walk the line

Crop Circles in the Carpet

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 04:30:25 GMT

I have my good days and bad days. I have my good nights and bad nights.

This was a good night. This was a great night.

Dear Friends,

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 03:30:51 GMT

Its been a while...

I have been hired by Constellation- finally! They hired me a few weeks ago, and my official starting date was December 17th. Now I'm making more money plus really great benefits. I'm still doing the same job, and it is not glamorous at all, and definitely not what I want to be doing long term, but at the moment it is okay. Doors continually open there so I feel like the Lord wants me there.

Grad school is most likely not happening in the Fall. Besides the fact that I have not done one thing to apply anywhere I am just not ready to make the commitment; financially and mentally. I still am not sure what I want to do exactly. I still am thinking counseling, but that is vague. Where exactly do I want to work and doing what? I have been lazy pretty much since graduation about figuring this out, but I really need to take the next year plus to get things straight. I will be able to get things straight...well thats the plan, God willing.

Another thing I've been thinking about recently? Taking a trip to Europe. I do not think that this will happen this year, in fact I know it won't. I'm still financially in the hole and needing to take care of some debt before shelling out money for a trip. But I want to plan everything this year- figure out the cost, start saving, start looking out places. I'm shooting for the Spring of 2009 to go. I've always wanted to go and now is the time.

I need to start doing things, not just thinking and talking about them, but actually do them. I have so many regrets already and I'm only 24. Not regrets actually, more like "Why don't I do so and so? What is stopping me." I won't live forever, I won't always be young. Now is the time to do what I want to do. I'm young, I'm free, I need to start acting like it and not always thinking that my life is already set in stone.

So that is my goal in 2008, to do the things that I want to and need to do. To stop procrastinating, to stop making excuses, to stop being afraid and hesitating when I have no reason to. To live.

Here's to 2008...

Rory the Rockstar

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 19:46:48 GMT

If I fell...

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 15:08:14 GMT

I would fall hard. There would be no bringing me back, no resuscitating me. I would be a beyond a mess if it fell apart.

Do I fall? I've held off for so long, hanging by a thread, waiting for the cut to come, waiting for the rush of air against my face, waiting for God's voice to lead me into this. I cannot lack patience, not now, not when I am so close.

Hang on. Wait. Wait on the Lord. Wait for His timing. It will happen if it is suppose to. Wait. Wait.

Like a Baby

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 02:00:50 GMT

Is it normal to be 24yrs old and be homesick?

I'm a loser.

Move Over I'm Introducing the New Kid

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:20:12 GMT

Sorry hot chocolate & tea- you have had my heart for long enough. There's a new kid on the block and his name is:

Starbucks Soy Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha- Light on Peppermint, Decaf

I cannot wait until I get to consume it again. It will make my usually uneventful Monday better. Thank you Starbucks- I am in your debt.

Learning

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 15:25:58 GMT

Long time folks. Really should just get a VOX and join me in my evil pursuit to post everyday.

From working my current job I have learned a lot about what I like/dislike from a job- mainly because I loathe my current one, and I mean loathe.

+ I need to MOVE! I need to do a job which requires movement. I am unable to sit in a chair for 8-9 hours a day and just type on a computer or deal with paperwork. I have gotten used to it, but it makes me grumpy and gain weight. I need to be doing SOMETHING which requires action.

+ I need to interact with others, and I mean real interaction. I cannot simply talk through email or via phone. It is very unsatisfying to me. I need to have face to face conversations and interactions.

+ I need to believe in what I'm doing. I need to believe what I am doing is helpful and what I am doing is helping others- even if that is serving someone a cup of coffee. I cannot simply do something because management tells me or because it is in the best interest of the company (in other words the CEO will become richer). I cannot work in corporate America because of this. I am not here on earth to make the rich richer.

+ I hate the business world. I find it tedious, meaningless, and utterly annoying.

+ I cannot work in a place that is completely based in BS.

+ I need some creativity.

+ I need to be able to do my own thing once in a while. I understand rules and I understand instructions, but only to a point. I need management to have trust in my decisions and back me up. I need to be mostly autonomous.

+ I cannot work a regular 8am-5pm job ALL THE TIME. I do not mind those hours every once in a while, but I am definitely an afternoon/evening worker. I come alive at my current job around 2pm. I get more work accomplished between 2pm-6pm than I do all morning/early afternoon. I am a mess in the morning- grumpy, unable to articulate my thoughts, and very slow/lazy. I would like to find a job with more flexible hours. I need to find a job that does not have un-Godly early hours.

Taking all this on I should probably be a McDonalds employee, haha. At least I know office work is not for me...at all.

Been a Short While

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 23:05:57 GMT

Its only been a few weeks away from LJ, and I keep coming back. Damn. I can't ever leave. I'll just be updating on here sporadically, but I check everyone's LJ entries pretty much weekly. I love reading your updates Karla!

Everything is pretty much the same, but it all feels different at the same time. Life has calmed down so much from what it was a few months ago- so much more.

Work has gotten somewhat better in that I had adjusted to it, which has made it better than it previously was. I still have those moments when I think, "wow months ago I graduated thinking the skies the limit, look how much I've learned since then,". Just today I was walking up the walkway to my front door (soon to be my parent's front door, not mine) and I passed the place where I took my graduation photos. I just stopped for a minute and thought about how long ago that feels. College honestly feels like a hazy memory. Makes me sad that I can barely remember what it feels like only five months out of it.

I move out in a few weeks. I have mixed emotions about it. Sometimes I'm fine about it, excited and have a good feeling about it, other times I feel so anxious about it. I feel like I've made this huge mistake- leaving all this comfortability behind to be well uncomfortable. But at some point in my life I'm going to have to cut the cord. Might as well be now while things are somewhat stable.

I do miss my friends. Feels very empty without them. Life is not nearly as exciting. Or interesting.

I keep plugging along even though my life is very dull right now. Guess its good to have a break sometimes, even though I prefer to be running at the speed of light. I'm sure there will be a break in monotony soon.

Half Hearted Smirk

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 14:18:18 GMT

So I have absolutely fallen in love with VOX. It is about 20x's easier to upload photos, videos, and links. No going through photobucket if you don't want to- no hotmail text. I really urge you all to look into getting VOX accounts because everything is easier and more aesthetically pleasing. Let me know if you do end up getting an account so we can be friends.

I'm going to keep this livejournal open (I've had it since 2003 so its pretty sentimental to me), but I do not think I will update very often. So continue to check up on my VOX account for pretty much daily entries.

Stay classy kids.

VOX

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 01:52:34 GMT

Just created a new blog spot over at VOX. I'm going to see if I like posting over there, and if I do I think I may just use that as my blog from now on. We'll see. Check it out if you want.

http://aimlesslyamy.vox.com/

Happy Hump Day

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 01:16:06 GMT

YAY: Possibility of moving out. Soft serve ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. Jeans that fit perfectly. Clean laundry. 4 day work weeks. Upcoming 24th birthday. Cooler fall-like weather.

NAY: 6am wake up calls. 9 hour work days. Car emitting noises. Confusion about loans.

Trying to take steps with faith

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 04:04:04 GMT

So here is what I need to accomplish tomorrow:

- Send out resumes to mental health facilities & jobs
- Print off Grad school information so I can start putting together Grad school applications
- Clean my disgusting room
- Laundry

A fire has been light under me to get moving and try to get out of Constellation or at least get something accomplished. I've felt so incredibly aimless.

Honestly the past few months since graduating have been the hardest in my entire life. I think this next year is going to be just as tough, but it'll be good for me. I think I'm going to grow a lot from all this. This is my hope, my prayer. I just have to trust God. Trust and know that He's working, in the bad and good. I hold onto this, I cling to Jesus right now- for direction, for purpose, for meaning, for safety, for sanity, for happiness.

I'm so close its ridiculous

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 20:20:18 GMT

I just redid my budget. I am SO incredibly close to being able to move into an apartment its sick. I would only need about $100 more ($200 if I would want to live comfortably, only $100 to really do it)- this is with living with a roomate. That is really sad. Only $100 away. I could always waitress one or two nights a week to make it, but I already feel overworked as it is. Then again if that is going to give me what I want it might be worth being overworked.

Oh whoa is me. I think what I should do is try to live like a very poor woman and stay within the budget I have set, to see if its even a realistic budget. Then if after this month I can see how motivated I am to get a 2nd or new job.

Thinking out loud, for all to hear

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 01:51:48 GMT

Its been a bit of a drama filled week. Work is crazy busy still and the work just keeps piling. In the midst of this insanity my motivation to actually do my job has been extremely low, making doing my job seem very painful and tedious. In the midst of all this I just haven't really been feeling myself this week. I am looking forward to this 4 day weekend so I can recooperate, but at the same time I am a bit scared of it at the same time. I'll have a lot of to reflect, and I think there a lot of big decisions that I have been avoiding for the past month or so.

Decisions such as:

School situation- Grad school next fall or delay? I need to start getting application stuff together if I'm going to go ahead and do it. If applying where do I apply? Do I stay in Roc area or branch out? Internet or real school? Am I 100% sure of the degree program?

Job situation- Wait to be hired by Constellation and work there until Grad school or look for employment elsewhere? Stay in Roc or go elsewhere?

Living situation- Do I rework my budget with the little $$ that I have and try to move out?

Big big decisions that I have prayed about, but that I don't think I have taken the time to listen for the answers to. I think I haven't taken the time because I am nervous about the answers. I am scared to take action, because action means change. It means having to actually do something and probably make more decisions.

I am scared of the future right now. Scared of staying in the same spot and hating it, but terrorified of moving on, of drastically changing things. I'm scared of going further with Psychology because it means huge responsbility and facing fears of failure and insecurities. I'm scared of being rejected by jobs and schools.

Fear is no way to live life, and I know that. I know that I will face these fears head on, but it doesn't stop me from being hesitant and procastinating so I don't have to face them.

I just feel so unsure of what the Lord's will is. I thought I knew what it was, or I had an idea of what it was, but then I seemed to have taken this detour (which I know is a part of His plan), and I'm not sure if I'm meant to stay here until something comes along or if I'm meant to get out of it. I keep on making attempts to get out of my current job, but doors keep closing, which makes me think that I am meant to be where I am. But then working where I'm working and doing what I'm doing doesn't really seem to be getting me anywhere or even make sense so then I think that I'm suppose to be doing something else.

I think too much, analyze too much, try and control too much.

Anyways this week has been less than stellar and I am completely missing my friends who have left town for school. I feel like theres not too many people I want to be talking to these days, except for everyone whose not around.

I think its best that I finish downloading music, spend time with God, and go to bed. I'm hoping tomorrow brings me a fresh perspective.

perfectly happy being here in the now

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 23:52:05 GMT

Can I just say I am absolutely on cloud nine to be laying in bed in my pjs with my mac. Today completely wiped me out, and I really need a night to myself. I'm so relieved to just be.

I am feeling better than last night. No more sore throat, just congestion, but I can deal with congestion no problem.

This weekend is going to be great. Tomorrow is Syracuse which will be an all day excursion. Sunday is church and then hopefully I'll be able to see Eliza while she's home. I'm hoping to be able to do breakfast with her. Then the rest of Sunday I'll probably be a lazy bum. Hmmmm, sounds heavenly. Right now is heavenly.

I could just happily drift off to sleep...at 7:47pm....

I would be happier if I had cough drops & chapstick

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 01:53:50 GMT

Ughhhhhh. I seem to either have wicked allergies going on or the beginings of a nasty cold. Good news: Its the end of the week so work is almost over and I only have to suffer one more day of work while feeling like this. Bad news: I am taking a trip with friends to visit a mutual friend. I have been looking forward to this trip for about a month and a half. I don't want it to be ruined because I don't feel good.

So the plan is load up on hot tea, chicken noodle soup, and vitamin C between now and then. Already on my second soup bowl of soup and hot tea, need to go to the store to get the vitamin C.

Work hasn't been bad. I'm becoming more used to everything, and although it is not my dream job it does have its perks and I really don't have too much to complain about. Although today they did try to take away my 4 day Labor day weekend, but they made it a suggestion to come in and not manditory. If I have a lot of work to do and need to come in I will, but as of right now I am completely caught up, and if it wasn't for someone being out sick today I wouldn't have had anything to do. She'll be out for probably a week, so at least I'm busy again.

I am so looking forward to the upcoming 4 days off. I don't want to be doing anything too fancy. I just want to hang out and relax. I'm trying to plan a mini-October vacation, but am having trouble deciding the timing of it. I have so many people that I want to to visit, but $$$ is tight. I am thinking of doing weekend trips, but its going to be tough to get to everyone in the fall and I honestly don't think its going to happen. I want to go visit:

- Rachael in Potsdam (not hard to do since its only a few hours away and I can drive)
- Beth in PA
- My sister in VA
- Eliza in Long Island

Plus I want to go visit my Karla in Boston. I think we would scare the Massachetts people silly with our craziness.

I started a buget this month and it has been tough. I have to admit I've done pretty well, but I did step outside of it quite a bit. I think I may have made it a tad bit too tight. I didn't factor in stupid things like oil changes or having to get new jeans due to holes in them. So I need to rework it a bit, but not too much because I need to continue to save as much as possible. I need to also start thinking about how the heck I am going to pay for my Naz loans come December. That is going to be extremely painful. The way things are looking I will never be able to move out into my own apartment. For real. That is a really depressing thought.

I heart pandora radio. Yes I do. I heart pandora radio how 'bout you!!?

thoughts from a lump on a bed

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 23:15:38 GMT

I kind of feel like I've been hit by a very large truck. Just feel completely wiped. Its only 7pm and I am already laying in bed in my pjs feeling like if I was to go to bed right now then that would be okay. Its a combo of Monday blahs, 5 hours of sleep, and a rainy/cold day.

I have an urge to watch a movie, but I have no energy to get up and pick out a movie to watch. Maybe I'll just watch TV because the remote is pretty close.

So how much longer until my 4 day weekend over Labor Day? Just one more full week and then a 4 day week. I think I can make it. Things a calming down a bit at work. The woman who I have been covering for the past week and a half is coming back tomorrow, so that will help tremendously. I think by the end of the week I should be caught up after the craziness that has been the past 3 or 4 weeks. Of course, more things will just come up so its hard to ever truely get "caught up".

Having to say goodbye to two friends this week is making me depressed. This rain is not helping. I feel like building a fort right now and tucking myself away in it. Maybe I'll make a fort out of my bed with blanket and pillows. Sounds pretty good to me.

how did it come to this...

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 14:54:02 GMT

So this is going to be one of those entries where I just sort of let loose and vent. Disclaimer: I have a great life and honestly have next to nothing to complain about. However, I need to get a little of this out so I don't explode or become one of those madwoman you see running around talking to themselves.

The past two weeks I have become once again comfortable with my single status. I think maybe it was because I was starting to get my focus off of myself and life and onto the Lord. Since currently my focus has shifted again to myself which is why I am once again dissatisfied. I need to get with the Lord again and I think I will find peace again.

Here's the thing I am extremely happy that all of my friends seem to be having success in relationships. I have only great things to say about their relationships and am so glad to see them happy. However, I cannot help the jealousy that creeps up every now and then to rear its ugly head. People younger than me, sometimes much younger than me, are finding love and settling down. Friends who have waiting patiently as I have are connecting with others and starting new relationships- based on something. I am not. I am not even close to finding anything that resembles a great guy or a connection.

I know that I just had recently started putting myself out there more, and time is a huge factor, but it is so frustruting, so heartbreaking at times, watching others around me receiving what I have been praying for and yearning for since I was a teenager. It seems like I cannot have that yet. It is equal to being in a room with other people while chocolate cake is passed out to everyone but you. You have to watch as everyone enjoys their cake, but you aren't given a piece and have no idea when or even if you'll ever get to experience the cake everyone is devouring. Lame metaphor but its how it feels.

You just want to scream- HOW DO YOU DO IT? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN SO IT CAN HAPPEN TO ME!! WHY ARE YOU THE LUCKY PERSON WHO GOT TO BE PICKED?? WHY CAN'T I PICKED, JUST THIS ONCE!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT IS WRONG SO I CAN FIX IT!?

I feel like I am being made this example of waiting and patience. I never asked to be. I am not patient, and I don't really want to be. I don't think this is a funny ironic thing God. I find it irritable and absolutely degrading at times. The girl who is going to be 24 in about two months still has yet to be in a relationship, to be kissed, to have her hand held, to experience anything remotely close to a relationship with the opposite sex.

I am watching as others are struggling to find relationships, encountering issues, but finally finding success. I find that I am struggling, encountering issues, and finding the hugest road blocks- the biggest closed doors in my face. It is not time. God's perfect timing has not taken place. But this does not mean that it is not gut wrenching to watch as others progress further and further into meaningful and loving relationships while I haven't even begun to board that train.

There is this section of my life I am not experiencing. A huge portion of my life that is missing. And it is lonely, it is depressing, and it makes me want to keep myself occupied 24/7 so I don't have to think about it. I found the single life boring, dull, and absolutely not exciting about a year or two ago. So to be in this place where I feel restless and bored is so difficult. And I could easily just date anyone and probably be satisfied for a month or two, but I do not want to date just anybody. I want the Lord's approval and hand in it all. So since it has not occured that means the Lord has not made it so. And I have to continue to wait, to try to focus on others things, to try and be brave and not despair even though the pain I feel is so much that I physically ache at times. I have to try and know that what is occuring is painful but will help me grow. That there is a plan, a reason, a rhyme. That if God puts a desire in your heart He will fulfill it. The hardest thing is knowing that if this desire never does get fulfilled I have to be okay and content with it.

Prayer would be appreciated as would a little hug. Thanks for listening.

literally an entry about nothing

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 14:47:43 GMT

You know its the "end of the summer" when your friends start having to go away for school. I'm going to miss them a lot. I don't know what I'm going to do without Rachael. I guess weekend visits to Potsdam will become a must.

I thought I'd be bummed out about everyone going back to school and not me. I thought I would be jealous or would be sad. Surprisingly I am relieved. Whenever people start talking about their first day of classes or their class schedule I feel absolutely thrilled that I do not have to deal with that. I didn't think that I would have that reaction. I'm just so happy not to have to adjust to a new schedule, deal with syllubi, and first day parking. No paying for books or having to dropp/add classes within the first week!

So my tattoo is almost fully healed. Its still a bit raised but pretty much smooth. It still is a bit itchy though, and a little red. It almost looks like a rash is developing, which makes me nervous because I don't want that to ruin my tattoo. I think it might be a reaction to the Aquaphor I've been using. Is there any other ointment I can use instead? Or can I just switch to a body moisturizer now? Help me if you can.

I'm already looking for my next tat. It'll probably take me another year before I can commit, so it probably won't happen anytime soon. Only problem is where do I get it. I'm very particular and really like back tattoos, but I don't want my back to look crowded. Maybe the shoulder? Or my upper back. I love the way neck and wrist tattoos look but I would never get one myself. I wouldn't want to have that tattoo there forever. You cannot easily hide them, plus when I'm 80-something I will not like it. If I end up hating my bird tattoo I don't have to look at it everyday and its hidden under clothes. I want to be able to do that with the second tattoo. Well I have lots of time to think about it, so thats good.

This weekend feels like fall. We had a cold front come through and its only in the 70's. Feels so much colder than it really is because I'm used to high 80's and 90's. Its only mid-August and I feel summer is over. I think thats just the way my brain is set up to think. End of August means back to school which means fall. Not true though. September is technically summer too.

Wow I've been basically spent 10 minutes talking about nothing. Way to waste my time ; )

Seven strangers living in a house...

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 14:40:54 GMT

Last night I spent the night at home hanging out in my PJs. I forgot how much I truely enjoy doing that. I think I needed some alone time.

I am a complete nerd, and was flipping through the tv, when I came across the new season of The Real World, so of course I had to stop and watch it. I am almost 24 and still fanscinated by The Real World, don't ask me why. I think because I love earsdropping and people watching, and although this show has came a far way off (in a bad way) from what it orginally was I still am intrigued by it. The orginal four or five seasons though were so authentic and actually great. I am about to go on my Real World rant, so be prepared...

When the show first started it wanted to show 18-25 in a real light. Show what it was like to be that age in that time frame (early 90's). It wanted to show how hard relationships/friendships can be, and how we, as miniture adults, react to different situations. It was trying to be real, and the participants in these first few shows were not all completely gorgeous people living in a completely surreal house. It wasn't completely not without being superficial either though (remember Eric modeling and the rap video in season 1, ugh). But there was serious discussions of politics, race, gender differences, and religion. There is NONE of that now. The whole show is focused on sex, fights, and drinking. I still will tune in if its on, but its hardly the vision it started off being.

Anyways, that was my little rant. I miss the 90's sometimes. Don't ask me why. Probably because I was a kid in the 90's, and even though my life didn't seem easy at the time, it was. It was so easy. I miss the alternative musc a lot though. It seemed much more athentic then it does today. It seemed like people really were trying to say something. Now music just seems all about image and making $$$. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong though. I tend to give the past much more credit than it deserves.

Last night after Real World ended the movie "Can't Hardly Wait" came on, and I half watched some of it. I remember that movie being from maybe 2001 or 2002, so I looked up the date. It was from 1998. Holy crap, I was only about 13 when that thing was made? Doesn't seem that old. That was almost 10 years ago!! Geez. We're almost through the '00's. Time goes by faster when your an adult. I remember being a kid and thinking that time went by soooo slowly. I remember thinking life is going to take forever to get through. But somewhere around 13 or so things pick up. College flew by in a whirl. Crazy.

So my next goal is to find myself an apartment. Possible? Very very doubtful unless I get a significant raise. If Constellation were to hire me that raise would probably happen, but they don't seem like they are going to hire me anytime soon. If they do hire me I'm thinking it won't happen until maybe October or so. I guess we'll see.

I'm hungry. I'm going to go eat some cereal.

Fly me to a cafe in Paris

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 22:35:31 GMT

Who would like to fly out to Europe this weekend? Oh how I wish.

My tattoo is itchy like crrrrrazy! But absolutely no scratching. Ughhhh. I think that the healing is worse than the actual getting of it. I am so happy with it though. Just looking forward to it fully healing.

No huge plans this weekend, so maybe Europe isn't too far off.

Is it really August already? Even though I won't be going back to school I feel as though summer is almost over. It will be a very weird September without school. I am hoping, praying that I can take a mini-vacation toward the end of September. I probably wouldn't be able to go anywhere though, but maybe I could.

Listening to The Format a lot lately. I need to set aside some $$$ to get some new music and to get a haircut. I haven't gotten new music in over a month, and I haven't had a haircut since May. I also need to get new jeans. I haven't really been in the mood to clothes shop though, but my jeans are ripped so I really need a new pair. Shopping this weekend will probably have to happen.

You only live ONCE

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 22:48:39 GMT

Got my 1st tattoo on Saturday. Was pleasantly surprised that the experience of getting it it wasn't half as bad as I thought it was going to be. In fact I think I may be hooked, and already have my 2nd tattoo picked out.

I have some video of it, but I have no idea how to load video. Can anyone help?

I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 04:23:51 GMT

So I have been incredibly dis-satisfied with Constellation Wines for a while now. The company and people are great, but it is not what I want to be doing...at all. I'm not a business person. Working with products makes me miserable. Its just not my kind of job I guess. But the pay is decent and comfortable.

I had had a chance to do an internship earlier this year, but due to school and such I was unable to do it. The person who had helped find me the internship said to let her know when I had more time and she we could look into that again.

After I had graduated I was so burnt out all I wanted to do was get as far away from psychology and anything that resembled my old life. I wanted to try something new. Go out on a branch and explore. I thought HR or business. Since then I feel like I have explored and I am just not finding any enjoyment out of HR/business. It only made me want to go back to school to get another Psych degree...which made me realize that perhaps thats what I should be doing.

I've been having these "what am I doing" moments since I graduated. If I want to be doing psychology why aren't I? And other than wanting to explore and make sure, I think most of it was fear. I was afraid to be doing psych because it is a hard field, and it is a field that would really stretch me. I'm the first to admit I am lazy and do not like to be stretched. I think I have a fear of failure. Of hating it. Because if I end up hating this I have NO clue what I'm meant to do. None. That is a frightening thought.

But working at Constellation does not seem a good fit. So finally I gave in. I emailed the woman I was speaking to before and asked about any job/internship opportunities. The rest is in God's hands because I have no clue what she will reply with. For all I know I burned that bridge back in April when I had to turn down the internship. I don't have my hopes too high, but I know I needed to at least try this.

Now if she comes back with a possible internship that would be both great and difficult. What would I do for money for a month or so while working 30+ hours for free at Unity? Back to Denny's I suppose. After working this internship there is NO garantee that I will even get a job, so will I be back to square one in finding a job? I want to start saving $$ for grad school, and such. If I delay the whole saving money does that delay grad school? Then there is the whole fear of being rejected. If I don't get an internship or job will I be forced to continue to work at Constellation, a job that I cannot stand, for a year? That thought seems unbearable. But at the same time Constellation seems the safest option.

Thinking out loud. I guess we'll find out if anything comes from my inquiry. I know God is in control, but it seems all so confusing. I just am not completely sure what direction my life is going to go in next.

new project!

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 04:07:38 GMT

After meaning to do this since last Fall, I finally went on snapfish.com and ordered prints of all my pictures from last summer until now. I think it was something like 250 pictures I ordered. New project is to sift through all these pictures and put them in my photo album.

I'm dorky and am completely excited. I only wish I was motivated enough to do more of these little project more often.

New goal: become more goal-orientated. Is that even possible?

today I woke up and realized...

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 22:01:28 GMT

So I definitely have a routine going, and I finally this week my body completely adjusted to my work schedule. I am no longer in absolute agony when I wake up at about 6:15am. And I am no longer begrudgingly going to bed between 10:30pm -11pm...I got quite willing, and if anything I hate going to bed any later than that.

So things are going well and this week has flown by. I am completely used to work and to doing what I do, and sometimes I forget that this job is temporary (as of now, although theres always a chance of getting hired, but who knows). I forget that I do have a degree and that I am currently not really using that degree. I forget that I had bigger plans, bigger aspirations...I forget mostly because I am already comfortable there, and also because I am so busy with the day ins and day outs of life that I don't even realize.

Today our department had a meeting (we have those almost every week I am finding, that along with wine tastings. I am finding those also occur quite frequently...not bad eh?) and they were talking about fixing our current out of stock situation, and how it will be at least a 6 month process before things start evening out. All the sudden it hit me that I may not be here in 6 months. That this is not my career. That this is not what I will, God-willing, be doing in a year from now. That is both freeing and frustrating. I feel like I am putting a lot into working there and it sucks to know that everything that I am doing will not be there in a year (if I'm lucky and I stay on that long). Everything I am building for in this job is permanent, for the now, not so much the future. I know in the big picture this job is going to get me money for grad school, or at least help. I think it is still frustrating to me to be in this limbo spot. Maybe life is just one big limbo spot and nobody ever lets you in on that secret. Maybe everyone walking around who is "settled" is in the same spot as me; waiting for the next thing to come up.

Post-grad life is not as easy as the college brochures make it seem. Not to scare those of you in school, but most, I dare even say all, will not get your perfect dream job straight out of school. College likes to think that a degree is like golden ticket. A degree is more like money. Some degrees from certain colleges are like $500 bills, others are more like a $1. Mine is probably $20, so it could be worse. Just beware though kids, graduating with a degree, especially a BA does not get you too far.

I guess I'm a cynic today. Just wondering what I am doing...I have these days when I wake up and realize that I don't think this is where I wanted to end up....

God is this where You really want me??